A close friend of mine penned an essay as a way of coping up
with the emotional attack she’s been going through lately. Two of her family
members are directly affected by this disease and they’re in different parts of
the world. I could only imagine the
stress, the emotional trauma, and the pain she’s going through right now. She
asked me to share this to everyone on the FB group I created specifically for
COVID-19 life experiences. Here’s her story…
Before this whole
pandemic and lock down happened, I thought I was a normal lady in my early 30s,
who is used to being independent. Ever since high school, I’m used to being
away from my family. I live in the city and seldom go home to the countryside.
I married my husband who is a seafarer, so i saw my family less and less
because i have to stay more often in the city. We are now renting an apartment.
And yes, most of the time I’m alone. Although i have a friend next door who i
eat meals with, at the end of the day, it’s just me alone in the bed. So
basically i have time to think and ponder on things, especially when insomnia
kicks in.
Now going back, when
lock down was announced, i didn’t really mind it that much, it’s just that, i
would miss going out and eating out
during my lazy times when i don’t have the energy anymore after arriving from
work. As the community quarantine was announced, my apart-mate and I decide to
go out to buy our necessities. That
time, social distancing was not yet observed but alcohols, Lysol and other
disinfectants were starting to be off the shelves already. I was still fine
then.
After a week of
updates and news , and as cases increased and the first case in the province
was announced, i felt something strange. I know in myself something is wrong. I
started to panic without any reason at all. I felt nervous. I started shaking,
and felt a lump in my throat. I immediately informed my uncle who is a nurse
abroad and he told me to do things, such as steam myself with boiling water
with salt, drink ginger tea, and inhale essential oil to calm me down. He
assured me that I would be fine we talked long enough that night. I also told my husband about it,
unfortunately due to his signal, he couldn’t communicate and check on me that
often. I was also constantly checking my temperature. It was ranging from 36.4
to 36.9. I kept on consoling myself that I’m fine and it’s still a normal
temperature. I was already in a very
panicky state. It came to a point that i already packed an overnight bag just
in case anything happens. I slept downstairs on the sofa, probably around 1am.
Next day, I felt a
little better compared to last night. I tried to act normal and prepared food.
During lunch as me and my apart-mate was eating, I told her what happened. She
told me i was just being hypochondriac and we laughed about it. But i still
have that gag feeling, i want to throw up yet nothing came out. And the lump is
still in my throat i even informed her that i am sleeping at the sofa and if i
couldn’t message her please try to check on me (she has a spare key of my
unit). That’s how paranoid i was. Now it
was nighttime again. That anxiety is starting to creep on my system again. I was
about to call my uncle again but i saw in our family group chat that he said he
doesn’t feel well and he decided to submit himself for a drive thru PCR test.
So i didn’t disturb him and just did all the regimen he told me to do, again i
slept at the sofa.
The next morning i
felt better again. Tried zumba (first time doing it alone in the house.) Did
things to make my mind busy. Eating with my apart-mate, then going separate
ways after meals. Until night comes again.
Now this night's episode was again an intense one. I started to gag
really hard that a little really came out. I was starting to have cold sweats.
This was the night my uncle told us that the result came out to be positive. I
didn’t know what to do, i felt the lump swell even more, i steamed myself, took
ginger tea but I was shaking. I was
crying. I was helpless in putting myself to stay calm. But i couldn’t. I didn’t
know what to do. I felt helpless. I remembered something, looked for the rosary
in my bag. Honestly, i already forgot how to do the rosary, but thanks to
Youtube, i followed the virtual holy rosary video, i was praying and sobbing
silently. I prayed to God to make me calm, to make my uncle safe, to protect my
husband, to protect my family. I promised to him that starting that night i
would make it a habit to do the rosary before
i sleep. It calmed me and i managed to sleep at around 2am, again at the
sofa.
The next few days were
more peaceful than before. The gag feeling was gone, by this time i avoided
drinking cold water and soda and i even started to loose weight. All of a
sudden one afternoon, while we were watching at my apart-mate’s unit, i started
to shake again, panic is kicking in again. By the way, we went out for
groceries together and usually do it on Wednesdays. She told me to calm down
and think of happy thoughts. She even assured me that if i got sick so should
she since we were together most of the time. I asked her if i could sleep over,
she agreed. She kept on talking to me to keep me away from that anxiety. That
was one of the few nights i slept early in the duration of the lock down... If
11pm is early.
The next day i woke up
at around 6 or 7am, I think I told my apart-mate I’d go back to my unit. For
the first time in few days, i slept again in my room, opened the AC and took a
nap for a couple of hours and woke up again at around 9am. The following days
were a routine. My uncle started to feel better. Another week had passed. Then one afternoon, I felt it again. I told
my apart-mate about it and asked her to sleep on my unit this time. It made me calm again. Every time that I felt that panic would kick
in, God knows how I tried to put it off my mind. But the anxiety is really
strong you couldn’t control the shaking, the pain in the chest as if your being
choked. And the lump in the throat.
Every time i feel it, i ask my apartment for a sleep over.
By the way, my mother
is not aware of everything that happened to me up until now. I decided not to
tell her to avoid her to be stressed as well.
Then the province
shifted to general community quarantine. It was my chance to go home immediately. It felt really good
seeing my family. During my first day, we swam in an inflatable pool. I stayed
there for a couple of hours. I was with my two little cousins who really
enjoyed the pool so much. Today, it’s my second day in here. I woke up not
feeling well, probably because of too much swimming yesterday. Panic starts to
knock on my mind again. I am now checking my temperature almost every 15
minutes. Still on a normal range. The lump is back. I’m quietly distancing
myself from the people here in the house. This time, I informed my mom about
it. I’m keeping a safe distance. Then suddenly my brother who is working abroad
messaged me. His room-mate has tested positive! Now I’m in full blown panic
attack in my mind. He added that because of that, their entire building is on
lock down and he will be subjected to strict quarantine. I asked him if he had
already told mama about it. He didn’t and he asked me to do it for him. I
can’t. I don,t know how to. My stress level is very high now.
Mind you, people, this
pandemic is a real cause for emotional roller coaster. The psychological impact
is real. It makes you feel weird things, crying for no reason, feeling anxious,
insomniac, etc. You think you're brave, you're strong, but once you feel what i
feel, your guards will go down. I’m now considering professional help so I
could cope up. To make me feel my normal self again. I wrote this as an outlet
and to take me away from the negative thoughts even just for a short time.
Hoping by doing so it would make me feel a little better.
To those people out
there who is experiencing the same, stay strong. Pray. We can get through this!
If you feel you need an outlet for the emotional burden that
you’re going through now, write it down. Share your thoughts. Share your
feeling. Share your pain. We heal as one.
1 comment:
Interesting article!
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